Ask the Pastor: I Don’t Love God’s People Like I Should
Ask the Pastor is a regular column at Every Reason to Believe where pastor Reagan Marsh answers a variety of reader questions about ministry, Christianity, the church, and more…all from the perspective of the pulpit. You can find all of his articles here.
I Don’t Love God’s People Like I Should
I think I’m the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. What does that mean? I’m not being emotional; it’s making sense to me—I don’t love God’s people like I should. Something is horribly wrong here. Maybe I’m actually not a Christian? Something is just wrong!
I understand this struggle better than I’d like to admit. Every saint is the older brother at some point.
That’s not to dismiss or minimize what you’ve said, but you need to know that reality. Lost men don’t identify themselves as the older brother.
Now, if the Lord is convicting you of some specific sin, ask his forgiveness, consider whether some apology is in order, and rest in his faithfulness to hear, forgive, and sanctify you.
Scripture calls us to deal in specifics, not simply seeming or only “sorta” realities.
“If the Lord is convicting you of some specific sin, ask his forgiveness, consider whether some apology is in order, and rest in his faithfulness to hear, forgive, and sanctify you.”
For some perspective: I’ve given my life to try to serve God’s people, but most days I’m not sure I love them like I should. I try. I fail. I confess it to the Lord; I ask for forgiveness of the party(ies) I’ve wronged; and I try to consider what Scripture calls me to do instead of what I did.
I try to learn, grow, change, and walk in faithfulness where I’d been unfaithful, and I plead with God that he’ll enable me to do so from the heart. That’s what the Bible calls Christians to do.
I’ll note this as well. When I’m overly tired, or too busy, or my back or stomach are hurting, I struggle with loving people well. I tend:
1. To be harder on others than I should be, whether just in my head or verbally; and
2. To be harder on myself than perhaps is appropriate.
When my back is severely inflamed, I can barely think. My responses are short sentences because the pain can make it hard to breathe. I often struggle on those days with sharp words, because I’m in such pain (hence, I appreciate my chiropractor). Anger isn’t generally a struggle on those days—but speaking is.
On the other hand, when my stomach decides to play its favorite games, I’m grounded and have to reschedule counseling appointments, meetings, and even family time. On those days, I can struggle with sinful anger by way of impatience (we like to soften it by saying “frustration,” but it’s still just garden-variety sinful anger).
I’m a creature, a frail child of dust. I must ask my family’s forgiveness on the days when my back flares up and my words come out with more “edge” than I intended; my infirmity, while not necessarily inherently sinful, affects my family’s perception and can affect our relationship.
“Love requires me to seek restoration of fellowship in humility, even when no offense was meant and no sinful failure to love consciously occurred.”
Love requires me to seek restoration of fellowship in humility, even when no offense was meant and no sinful failure to love consciously occurred.
Rough stomach days, on the other hand, tend to present many more appealing temptations for my impatience; those words, thoughts, and attitudes more frequently are expressions of not loving others well.
Love requires self-control, self-denial, cultivating patience under providence, and bridling my tongue (Ps.141:3).
My struggles in no way constitute excuses for sin, nor do they justify me in committing sin, but they are real factors which contribute to the moment—and I must take them into account when dealing with myself or with others.
Why do I say this? Because these things affect others’ perspective of me and my practice of love to them. Those are a couple of ways to consider acting in love to God’s people amidst specific circumstances.
Here are a few more broadly-conceived suggestions:
“Study examples of love in the Scriptures…trace this principle through that biblical character’s life, see how it develops, and learn from what it shows you of God’s grace at work in God’s people.”
1. Put a daily alert in your phone’s calendar for the next year to ask the Lord to help you develop a tender heart toward his saints.
2. Consider fasting several times over this next year, seeking God’s help in developing this love. Particularly consider doing this if your church tends to be cold or distant toward one another.
3. Speak to your pastor and elders about anything they see in your life which may be hindering the exercise of faithful love to the brethren. Take notes—but don’t take offense!
4. Immediately related to #3—mediate on how Scripture presents love to the saints as characterizing the people of God (1 Jn. 4:20). If this love must be present in God’s people, its absence is a serious matter of sin. Humble yourself and repent of the things your pastor and elders bring to your attention.
5. Think much on what it is that the Spirit of God has made us “members of one another” (Rom.12:5, 1 Cor. 14:13, 18).
6. Study examples of love in the Scriptures. For example, consider David and Jonathan (1 Sam. 18:1), Jesus and John (Jn. 13:23, Jn. 19:26), Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1:16-18), Jesus and the rich young ruler (Mk. 10:21), or Solomon and his bride (Song of Songs 6:3). Don’t simply look up a verse or two; trace this principle through that biblical character’s life, see how it develops, and learn from what it shows you of God’s grace at work in God’s people.
“When you speak to a brother or sister, particularly in offering counsel or correction, do so actively aiming to express care, compassion, and love toward them.”
7. Seek opportunities to serve the saints in love (Gal. 5:13). If you’re not sure where to start with this, ask your pastor.
8. When you speak to a brother or sister, particularly in offering counsel or correction, do so actively aiming to express care, compassion, and love toward them (Eph. 4:15). Let correction be very mild: appeal, don’t accuse, with gentleness, respect, and patience.
9. Consider the love that you have toward your natural family, and begin consciously and intentionally to direct that kind of love toward your eternal family.
10. Look for quiet ways to help people at church: walk older members to their cars. Carry an umbrella and help people in for worship on rainy days. Ask someone, “How can I pray for you this week?” and write it down right there so you don’t forget.
11. Faithfully attend the prayer meetings of the church. Praying together with the saints knits your hearts together like little else can. Consider praying aloud for one or two of the needs mentioned, if your pastor gives the opportunity for individuals to do so.
12. Make a point of shaking hands with people, hugging people, and sincerely asking, “How are you?” Superficially asking will get only superficial answers. Sincere concern and quietly listening generally opens your heart to theirs.
13. Put down your phone while you’re with people. Digital distraction breeds distance.
14. Open yourself up to others—be vulnerable. Trusting others often breeds affection toward them in due time.
15. Deal sacrificially with a needy family. This will be best done with the counsel of your deacons, and may perhaps be best done anonymously. There was a need in our church recently. A family learned of it and secretly provided the necessities through our deacon. Those in need were cared for, the biblical diaconal channels were employed, and the givers were greatly encouraged to be used by God. It was a tremendous blessing to see relief and joy as that family had trusted God, and God provided through the other folks (Acts 20:35).
Cast your anxieties on him, and take heart. He cares for you, he holds you in his mighty hands, and he will never let you go.
Reagan Marsh, MATS, MDiv (eq.) is founding pastor-teacher to Reformation Baptist Church of Dalton, GA. A certified biblical counselor, Reagan took MATS and MDiv study at NOBTS and SBTS, and is a ThM candidate at CBTS researching Hercules Collins’s pastoral theology under Tom Nettles. He has served in gospel ministry since 1998 and he writes and contributes to numerous Christian publications.
Image Credit: House Raising by William P. Chappel (American, 1870s). The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York. 54.90.512.
Thank you for reading this article about loving God’s people.